Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”
jokes?
- Thread starter 88' blaster
- Start date
You're a redneck if...
-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"
-You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear."
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say "Watch this" everytime before you goto the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"
-You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear."
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say "Watch this" everytime before you goto the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
i would like to appolojize in advance to any jewish members its all in fun... lol
you guys here about the new car the jews areworking on???????
it can stop on a dime and pick it up too lolol
i now except canadian jokes
you guys here about the new car the jews areworking on???????
it can stop on a dime and pick it up too lolol
i now except canadian jokes
What's slimy, cold, long and smells like pork...?
Kermit the frogs finger
What do you do when your wife's staggering?
Shoot her again.
What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?
The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.
Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."
George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."
Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "
Kermit the frogs finger
What do you do when your wife's staggering?
Shoot her again.
What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?
The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.
Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."
George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."
Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
On a train there was a Canadian, an American, a beautiful
woman, and a very ugly woman. As they went under a tunnel, the
American was smacked in the face. The ugly woman thought to
herself, 'That American must have touched that beautiful woman,
and she smacked him...' The beautiful woman thought to herself,
'Obviously the American touched the ugly woman thinking it was
me, and she hit him...' The Canadian thought, 'I can't wait to
go through another tunnel, so I can smack this stupid American
again...''
woman, and a very ugly woman. As they went under a tunnel, the
American was smacked in the face. The ugly woman thought to
herself, 'That American must have touched that beautiful woman,
and she smacked him...' The beautiful woman thought to herself,
'Obviously the American touched the ugly woman thinking it was
me, and she hit him...' The Canadian thought, 'I can't wait to
go through another tunnel, so I can smack this stupid American
again...''
The ceo of Miller, Bud Light, and Molson entera bar for a drink.
the waitress asks what they will have for drinks, the ceo of miller says he will have a miller light, the ceo of bud light says he will have a bud light, when the witress askes what the Molson ceo will have he says water. The two others ask why he didnt get beer, his response, well i didnt want to be the only one drinking beer
COMEBACK JOKE FTW
A Scot is the only man on earth who would step over the bodies of a dozen bronzed naked beauties just to get to a glass of whiskey.
Why did the woman cross the road??
It doesn't matter, what's she doing out of the kitchen?
What's the difference between a woman and a battery?
A battery has a positive side.
Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive??
Because she was a woman.
It doesn't matter, what's she doing out of the kitchen?
What's the difference between a woman and a battery?
A battery has a positive side.
Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive??
Because she was a woman.
so one night this guys freind stays over because he had no heat and it was the middle of winter. so they get upstairs and they decide that they will sleep on each side of the mans wife in the same bed to conserve heat... in the morning the men wake up and one says "i had the strangest dream i dream someone kept pulling on my dick last night" then the other man says,"you know i had the same exact dream" then the mans wife speaks up and says"you men only think about one thing!, i dreamed i was cross country skiing!"
4 Construction workers , ( 1 white guy , 1 black guy , 1 mexican guy and 1 Pollock guy ) were breaking for lunch as usuall and sat down on a beam high above the chicago skyline . the white guy opens his lunch box and says " aww sh*t , baloney again! this sux " The black guy opens his lunch and says " Fried Chicken again! man this is bull sh*t " The mexican opens up his lunch and says " eye carumba , another burrito !!!! this is terrible " and the pollock opens his lunch and says this is crap , I hate liver and onions!!! " but they eat , and finish out the day , Tuesday comes around and they break for lunch and it starts all over again , same crap different day , finally the guys get to talking some smack , white guy says " man if friday comes around and I got the same crappy lunch , I'm jumpin off this building " and they get all fired up and all spit and shake on it . Friday comes around , kinda quiet at lunch time , white guy opens his lunch , and not to make a liar out of himself , he says " c yah boys " and jumps . The same result is for the other 3, but the Pollock being the " centered " person in the group leaves a letter , explaining why they did what they did . Sunday at the funeral all the wives are crying and upset amd wanting their husbands back and clenching copies of the " death " note and shouting to god how they would have treated them better by simply giving them a variety to eat for lunch . All of the women EXCEPT for the pollocks wife , she was by far not crying , or blubbering or even making a peep . the wives finally look to her with disgust and ask " why aren't you crying , why aren't you upset , how can you live with yourself they demand to know the answer !!!! " the pollocks wife says " don't look at me , he always made his own lunch !!!!!!! "
The elephant says to the camel: why you got 2 boobs on your back
camel says to elephant: why the I love you got a dick on your head?
camel says to elephant: why the I love you got a dick on your head?
