Why?
Seems like a life long question... Seems like there is no definitive answer and changes among people.
Well, as some of you guys know, i created this thread to share my goal of purchasing a truck and then a quad after to get back to racing. well, it was just a dream. a dream that i kept telling myself so i wouldn't have to face reality. and give up something i loved.
unfortunately, non of this has happened. no truck, no quad, no racing, no nothing. nothing has changed. I've been looking back on my times from as far back as i can remember and have realized some things that i never saw before. 1 my "dad" and his "family" are complete assholes (can i say that?) and I am glad I have nothing to do with them anymore.
The one only normal person from my dads side of the family was my grandfather. well he suffered from a stroke and was sent to the hospital just in time a heart attack hit him. he got major open heart surgery and effectively as far as i know he is doing quite alright. I felt sorry for him, cause like i said, he was the only normal person in the family and i didn't really even realize that until now. long story short, during this whole fiasco, my grandmother was asking the doctors every day if he was going to die. no, not because she was worried, but because she wanted his money. she been steeling money from families death for years apparently. and i always thought she was the nice one. guess i was wrong. TBH, i haven't seen or talked to my dad in 6 years or so and don't want to. i never went to his wedding, never saw him, nothing. i want to keep it that way. I've been thinking about his death and what i would do. my decision if i should even go to the hospital or funeral. idk what i will be doing then.
the other thing ive been thinking about is what i really want to do in life. i have one more year in school, and then i become an adult. and set off on my own. i am 95% positive i know what i want to do, but still have that 5% thats still the unknown. well i mean i guess everything in the future is all unknown. i dont know what will happen in the next minutes, or what will happen in 50 years from now. actually none of us do. and ive been thinking about this whole life thing now for about 4-5 months. and trying to figure out why i want to do what i want to do. and it comes down to regrets. how many of you are doing what you dont want to do or saying to your self "i wish i could have done that" or "if i could do anything i would do this..." well to me thats suffering. i would rather die doing what i love to do or what i want to do then in a hospital with some sort of disease saying man, i wish i could have experienced that. obviously things are limited mainly by money. well i dont want that burden on me.
i look at my dad, i look at my brother, i look at my mom and see everything that i dont want to be. especially like my dad. the day i turn into my dad, is the day that i die. i see my mom's constant financial struggles her whole entire life and not having another person to fall back on as a means of income. hell, in my life time, ive never seen my mom married or with anyone in a steady relationship... Then i see my brother. the road hes going down is just a cliff. working 4 jobs, spending every last penny on fishing sh*t, beer, beer, and more beer, and after his last semester in college and still had no idea what he wants to be. he dosent give half a sh*t about anything or anyone, turning 22 in 5 months and still lives at home with out mom and dosent do have a sh*t to contribute. were always fighting and we are nothing alike. dosent he sound charming? then you have my dad. lets just say that after my brother started to see him again, he is turning into the same type of ahole. theres a reason why i havent seen him or want anything to do with him in 6+ years...
i dont want to be any of these people. i want to be me. i want to do what i want to do and have no regrets. i want to die doing what i love to do if i die. for this reason, ive came to the decision that in order to accomplish this, i just need to be me. (ya i know; very bland)
After high school, ive decided that i want to join the Marines. now this isent a decision that was made on the spot. this was a decision that was made over the last 5 years. my 6th grade teacher had a son in the Marines and was showing us a powerpoint. at the time it seemed like that it wasent a reality. would never happen. as i got into highschool, it started to become more and more of a reality. ive always wondered why these people in the serviced do it? well the answer is simple. it's because they choose to do it and want to do it. its what they want to do.
anyway, i know its been a while and i know i havent been on in a year or so. but visiting other forums and such, all of you people are amazing. its only been 3 years since ive joined the forum, but it will always bee my "home" forum. All you guys who have helped me achieve a dream that seemed impossible, i thank you for that. even if it was just the support, i appreciate everything you guys have done. Blaaster, Awk, and Slick, you guys were amazing and Blaaster, i believe i still owe you $70... (you can just PM me your paypal again....i promise i wont post it up on the forum again
)
i wish i could be on the forum more often, but thb, this stuff just depressed me. i had to give up something that i was chasing since i was 7 lol but thank you guys so much! idk, i just dont know what to say...
i work with people a lot and over the almost 2 years ive had an official job, i realised how much of an ahole people really are to eachother. fortunally, you guys are not. i respect that tremendisously. Blaaster... you live across the world from me, but you still sponsored me. that alone blew my mind. i never thought ANYONE would ever do such a thing being that i grew up inthe conditions that i did. after the fact, i realised how hard that may have been for you etc. etc. and one day, i will pay it foward. looking foward to meeting you finally!
welp like i said, you guys are all awesome!
i guess thats it... dont know what else to say.