Funny Thread
- Thread starter sheeblast
- Start date
A Nebraska Cornhusker fan is drinking (imagine that) in a New York bar when, he gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a
typical Cornhusker baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Nebraska fan just shrugs, "That's about average back home,
folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Nebraska Cornhusker baby boy'.
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!".
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Nebraska Cornhusker baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Nebraska father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender, "Had him circumcised."
Go Huskers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a
typical Cornhusker baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Nebraska fan just shrugs, "That's about average back home,
folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Nebraska Cornhusker baby boy'.
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!".
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Nebraska Cornhusker baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Nebraska father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender, "Had him circumcised."
Go Huskers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
The Farmer and the Obnoxious Lawyer
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, 'I'm fine,' at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, 'I'm fine,' at the scene of the accident?"
Clyde continued: "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ." The lawyer interrupted again and said: "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded: "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and asked, 'How are you feeling?' " "Now what the hell would you say?"
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, 'I'm fine,' at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, 'I'm fine,' at the scene of the accident?"
Clyde continued: "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ." The lawyer interrupted again and said: "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded: "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and asked, 'How are you feeling?' " "Now what the hell would you say?"
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